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Desperate all right

17 May 2005

Desperate Housewives was on last night. I didn't see it, but let me guess:

Skeletal Susan finds herself hapless in a situation involving either losing her clothes, seeing something she shouldn't, or crashing into a tray containing food or drink, thus thwarting her attempt to woo handsome and mysterious plumber from across the road. She definitely does not have sex with handsome plumber.

Mysterious Mike gets visit from threatening past acquaintance, hinting at a murky past involving with criminal activity and underworld connections. He is once again reminded of his 'quest', for which the punishment for failure is certain death. Threatening acquaintance is fearful that Mike is only dicking around on Wisteria Lane, but Mike allays these fears by persuading him that it is imperative that he dick around a little more on Wisteria Lane in order to fulfil quest. At no stage does quest seem any closer to being complete.

Blonde estate agent once again adds weight to the dumb blonde theory by going out in public wearing belt as skirt. She postulates out loud how different her life would have been if it hadn't been for all those uncles her mum dragged home at the trailer park, although the daily tussle with the gators sure toned her bod good.

Controlling redhead performs perverse act such as having sex in graveyard with gormless fop of lesser social standing. She then goes home to tie carrot batons into bundles with chives so that her beloved family to whom she is eternally devoted can have an aesthetically pleasing and appropriately nutritious meal. Since they would rather a KFC meal deal, they snarl at her as she enters the dining room and places their plates on a table laden with the finest Wedgewood. Naturally enough they cannot stand the sight of her. This dichotomy of situations serves to notify the viewer (once more for the dummies) that her life is a paradox. You hear me? Her life is a paradox.

Harrassed and hopeless mother of four unruly boys is once again baffled at the increasingly worrying antics of her delinquent children. It is a complete mystery to her that she could have given birth to four tasmanian devils, and yet she does nothing whatsoever to guide or help them. Oh boy, but do we hear about how she feels about her loss of freedom, why she can't cope with this situation and how dreadful this is for her. She is convinced that she has played no significant part in how these boys are turning out. Oh well, off to yoga. She comes home to find extremely unattractive and short husband is back from seemingly endless business trip. Even though he barely participates in family life, he makes an unreasonable demand on her which compromises her self-esteem and dignity. She makes half-hearted attempt to argue but complies almost immediately. He's happy because she shags him senseless regardless. We're supposed to believe she was once a successful businesswoman (but that's not the most implausible thing on this show), and we have no idea what the husband does for a living, except that he is never home and extremely randy when he is there.

Rags to riches in reverse (aka ex model with no taste) finds herself in untenable situation which is beneath her dignity but in which she must remain for the sake of supporting her extravagant lifestyle. She grits her teeth and bears it, not without copious amounts of hurumphing and rudeness. It is beyond me why she hasn't resorted to the oldest profession, I have gathered from her life thus far it would be but a tiny step.

Not to worry, ageing southern belle in neighbouring but less socially asseptable (he he he) suburb is doing just that; her sole motive for doing so is to remain in the same social circles as controlling redhead, and sticking it too her good an proper by torturing her husband (don't worry, he loves it) behind her back. Yes, you got that right, she is a prostitute because she wants to be Bree. (Doesn't make sense to me either).

Widower of the narrator who suicided hacks another person to death in the backyard. This time they had the hide to ask him did he have the time Mack. They should have known better than to call him Mack. No-one suspects a thing, except his loony son who he has conveniently locked away in the attic and is feeding him a diet of psychotropic drugs and 7 up.

At no stage does any event develop any of the subplots.

All children (including teenagers) are either social misfits, completely barking mad, possessed by demons or otherwise being thorns in the sides of these amazing women. There is no teenage sex.

There is not a single likeable character on Wisteria Lane.

Even the annoying narrator quips a series of meaningless cliches with impeccable timing. Not only are they not that clever, they don't bear any relevance to the plot whatsoever. For @#$#%%"!!! 's sake woman, just tell us why you topped yourself.

I think I already know though, it is because this show REEKS!!!

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